i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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