I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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