Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
