Will you blow on my dice?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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