ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
