I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
