I hate your face
i already hear my dad disowning me
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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