Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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