I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
