So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
