Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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