I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
