just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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