If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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