sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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