I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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