now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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