She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I supernannyed him into submission
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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