Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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