I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
