She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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