omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
