I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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