seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize