I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize