I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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