My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
