Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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