Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
