can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I fill condoms, not promises.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
