Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
