I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
