Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
