One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize