i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
