You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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