great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize