My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
