I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
