Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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