So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my being single is dangerous.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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