god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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