im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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