someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
