Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Dear god my vagina.
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