We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
