I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
