Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
