I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
