I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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