i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
