the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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