I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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