i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
