onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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