I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
