I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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